Picking Up

-02.04.2024-

Yesterday night, or technically this morning at about 4 am, I was planning to record the last projected piece for my first cover compilation Picking Up. Unfortunately, as I discovered that I inadvertently cut the E string of my last pack of guitar strings quite a period of time ago, I had to order a substitute pack on a takeaway platform so that I could have it today. As a result, this is my first time mixing up different types of strings on a single guitar - which is actually not that bad acoustically (although it's definitely doing no good for my guitar). Still, I found myself too tired to record anything after this mess (or simply because I hadn't really slept last night) and decided to open up a new page here.

I was about to write something concerning mixing and conducting the other day, but since we've mentioned my compilation, which is now the project of my first priority, I think it may be a better option. Although I'm yawning at this moment, fighting against my messed-up circadian system, the seriousness I am devoting to this business is true. Back then, when I was discussing if I would apply for colleges with creative writing majors or music-related ones in the regular round (as for the reasoning why these ones... I'm afraid they are among the least things that I could claim that I had statistically concentrated on in high school after giving up the tempting idea of applying with an undecided major); my last bit of reluctance was dispersed by the rhetorical question: "How serious you are when doing music compared to that of writing?" And the plain truth is I was, and I am, way more serious with music. Surprisingly, this was something I needed others to remind me of. Or in other words, this was something I unconsciously denied for a long time. I'll try to break down this process of thinking with my words. But considering I'm "not as serious with writing as with music", no guarantee here. (BTW, the musical Legally Blonde that our musical club is now rehearsing has a song called Serious in it. What a funny coincidence.) 

Anyway, I'm afraid I still have to refer to the timeline before and including the college application process (and I'm already doing this) - as it was factually the most mentally significant, and frankly speaking, burdening, affair in the past two seasons. In my Common App personal statement (which I planned to share here someday - not only to provide more context for this post) (didn't I already say so in previous posts?) and at the moment I finalized it (which was right before the early round deadline, November the first), I took writing and music as two intertwined storylines. Within that personally statement, my "author's intention" is to use writing as a "hook", "main conflict", and "falling action" and music as the "initiation", "cure", "epiphany". That being said, in the storytelling of that 650-word piece, music hasn't yet become the stance of my conclusion but a source of fortunate realization and takeaways I benefited from to aid in my growing as a writer. However, when I approached the deadline of regular round deadlines with blank hands (I basically had written nothing ever since I submitted the early round until December 20th), I gladly faced my seriousness in music and naturally got along with it to overwrite my activity list and compose the supplemental essays from scratch.

So now it's time for me to try to demystify my mind process, particularly how this, in my opinion, drastic and sudden decision and change was made. If we rewind a bit to reconstruct my deeper thoughts while writing the personal statement, I believe there was nothing ingenuine when it comes to my feelings in writing and how my perspective altered to deliver the version of me on that paper. As I've just mentioned, I figured out that music is the cure to my writing problem in writing the personal essay. However, to my belief for a longer while, especially in high school, I was subjectively inclined to rely on writing as my cure (again, I wrote this in my personal statement.). Therefore, it seemed perfectly reasonable to me to focus on "the cure that matters (thematically)". On the contrary, if we really think of it now, it seems to me that something naturally invites me seamlessly and brings much more soothing effect than that of troubling should be considered as a "cure". Not saying I'm demising writing's significance to me or suggesting this is a binary choice or siding with one - It was just rather wired to realize (or at the end of the day admit), or more accurately speaking, uprightly acknowledge that music has been with me way longer than writing and supported me in "silence". In a sense, I feel that I wasn't really fair with music! Imagine how loving it was, and I just took whatever nourishment I wanted from it and didn't (at least subjectively) recognize its vital importance. Fortunately, I suppose I did make the right choice to fill music in most of my regular round school's blank. A not that much appropriate and over-simplified summary may be like this: I claimed to be serious with writing just because it indeed cured me in recent years while I didn't put in as much serious effort in it as I claimed to be (although I did write a lot...); Meanwhile, I immersed unrequitedly and unconsciously in music way more than I understood and refused to grant it's serious importance in my life until recently. In fact, I would say this is probably one of the most wholesome takeaways I gained in the application season (Maybe someday I'll write about the others).

"How" is done, and here comes "why". I'd like to break it down into two aspects: why I was avoiding admitting my seriousness in music and why I opened up deep down (mentioned a bit, but there's more). Actually, it's kinda pity that I didn't find a chance to really amplify my story in music in the application profile. I mean - yes, I did write about a bit of the fact side of my experiences and my mindset presently, but I missed the chance to go through my mind process step by step - like I'm doing here - it is always annoying to me. In the 3rd paragraph of my personal essay (Okay, since we can't proceed without this context, I'll post it here right after this one), I briefly talk about my giving up piano and traditional training and "picking up" guitar (just to emphasize on the title lol). Although music comes back in the 5, 6, and 7th paragraphs, missing is the story between piano and guitar. TBH, that experience is definitely one of the main reasons I got that "shyness" when facing music. In the personal statement, I said that I felt I lost the right to play "in public". But it's only a part of the story. I wrote about how later I opened up to music in the communities - that's true - physically true: I physically engaged in many and gained pleasure in many - from simply the "connections". In other words, music then, in my mind, was still a "doorway" to other kinds of delight. Under the surface, I was never totally confident about "being serious in music", although the fact that I was doing kinda great kept reminding me, "It's time to stand confidently." (I've just recalled that I have this part in the first few drafts of my PS - so why not make a comparison later? Good idea.) (Know what, I start to get deja vu about writing these down - maybe I've already done it and it's just time to re-rant to cure the me at this moment). Anyway, no matter how I'd love to show off some least telent I have with my guitar and other producing skills, I never get rid of the idea of "I'm not enough" - even now. I guess what has changed is that... Guess what, it's time to cure my music with writing: No matter how my words is going to be interpreted, my words always stand for my voice. Just like that, no matter what "professional (solid) training" I've missed in the past, they never mean I could not make up for them or merely carry on what I have. I know this is a poor analogy, and this is again so much a simple truth, but sometimes it took so long to sail in the trough and arrive at simple but crucial lands. 

Other than the cliche of "the lack of confidence due to the lack of serious training in early years" stuff, I'd like to disclose another, let's say, awkward bane to my reluctance to face music seriously before - the "externalities" (speaking of "facing", I'm still using euphemism anyway). Questioning myself how much "I" can not live without music, I would now answer assertively - but it's not true at the beginning and under the surface of the story. Sometimes, when the initiative to do something is not exactly what the present is reflecting, I'll fall into the pits laid by myself a while ago. Speaking now, or any moment other then the ones I was entangled, it's so clear that the starting pointing is never the whole picture of the journey and scenaries, in this case, the "pure" music, on the way. Unfortunately, I suppose for a serious time, I was troubled by the "impurity" when I started in music. The piano stuff is definitely one of the "impurities", but the later ones also matter a lot: I can hardly recall the exact reason why I bought a guitar without noticing my family then. Although for sure I've used the excuse of replacing a broken one we had then to get started with a decent instrument, it still cannot explain why I suddenly decided to "pick up" after that broken guitar's being left on the balcony for years. I would love to claim that was totally out of a pure desire to pursue music, but I know there was certainly a majority of me than thinking of using the guitar as a tool to "socialize" after the gap year and years of unofficial drop-out, expecting that would be conducive to my re-mingling with the crowd. Therefore, although later I did, indeed, fall for the guitar itself, my intention was nothing pure at the beginning - and it even led to uneasiness when I did gain pure pleasure in playing alone: which side should I pick? The "impure" but "true" initial intention or the "true" feelings encountered later? A case in point is that I, in fact, bought my electric guitar totally out of the "practical need" to play in a band for the graduation ceremony, while I knew precisely nothing about electric guitar at that point. It's the same story in music production. I installed Cubase, my major DAW (stands for digital audio workstation), initially for arranging accompaniment for a song of a friend, a "wardmate" in the school clinic, after bragging about doing so. (For real, I still cannot tell if that friendship is more curing or toxic.) Therefore, in serving myseleves in and getting influenced by cases of externality, I was push-and-pulled by the thoughts to accomplish others' expectations, the pure pleasure of music, and the guilt of choosing or giving up either one of the two.

Ironically and fortunately, the Chinese saying "解铃还须系铃人" realized to me - that the externalities were the answer as well as the cause. I like to refer to "dynamic equilibrium" a lot, considering it as the middle ground of two or many sides. But it turned out I failed to understand it - what I was concerned about was absolutely not sitting on the opposite poles of the balance. Dynamic equilibrium seems to be a solution, but I actually got extreme in it - some time I'll totally exclude myself and purposefully "enjoying solitude (in music or not)" and the next day I may fully decicated for others' vision. The frequent changes in roles in fact brought me trauma firstly - I have no idea I thought of eventually I got to choose only one of them and usually thinking of the "opportunity cost" when I could have enjoy the particular moment, no matter which side it was. Eventually, that was probably me not living in the present then - again, I became a simpleton to ignore the fundamental fact that enjoying music by myself, with others, or even totally for serving others, "pure" or not, are never mutually exclusive. Again (how many times have I used this word hitherto?), it's simple - but it took me centuries to get over. OK, finally, we've arrived at the point I mentioned in paragraph 5 of my personal statement - I doubt there's no AO in the world who would like to see me vent this whole bunch of stuff in paragraph 4, LOL. In a word, it's in the communities and connections I made in high school that "physicality" and "musicality" grew weighty enough to let me flourish simultaneously in terms of both of them and blocked my leeways with their potent presence when I came to my decision in the application season. In some nutshell, it's in IB music I got the chance to 100% bask in the community of music as well as pursuing a 7 on the transcript (and not to mention how is the revised IB music syllabus in favor of the kind of students who may not be traditionally trained but open to possibilities of music (despite we also roast some too emphasized "novelty" compared to solid stuff from time to time)); it's in producing musicals and concerts, I ungrudgingly learned how collective beauty is unquestionable worthy arguing and dedicating into even personal tastes are sacrificed from time to time after observing so many different lively entities demonstrating the same passion; it's in preparing duet performance, I first rejoiced in both sides, in this particular case, affections and music communications, without feeling guilty for "impurity" - even if it was not "pure" enough, so what? My very sense was nonetheless true. From November 1st to December 20th, when I was postponing regular round essays, I intended two so very touching concerts back to back in two nights, resonating with realizations in mind. During the first concert, my memory was triggered, ignited, and drowned by Berlioz's symphony fantastique - honestly, I was not a second paying attention to the music but dwelling in that atmosphere without any qualms. By "deviating" the moment and music in mind, I think that's actually the symbol of me fully appreciating the magic of music. And the next day, in the fingerstyle guitarist Kotaro Oshio's concert, I was not a second bothered by mawkish sentiments as I supposed I would but flew in each and every note. You know what, maybe dynamic equilibrium still works - I mean, factually. But I'll stick to parallelism for now - Allowing myself to be "greedy" with both sides and beyond.

Last time, when I was with my college counselor, she asked me if I ever thought of writing songs - incorporating poems and music. The fact is I have never - which is a terrifying fact. And then it poked us to talk a bit about "passion" - and my reluctance in admitting and appreciating my own passion - even if it is indeed there in my movements. As a sort of response, I'd like to release and distribute this album of my fingerstyle covers in the past three years - along with two new pieces, and name the album "Picking Up". This is the story of me picking up my guitar, my music, and eventually my life. Time to get serious. (Yeah, the resonance with the song Serious in Legally Blonde is definitely a bonus in producing this musical)