-04.04.2024-
Indeed, I experienced a breakdown. And I never expected I would possibly react so drastically.
Before starting to describe how it walks through me, the simple fact that I could really identify it as a breakdown is something once in a lifetime (at least hitherto). I never used this term - not even in my most depressed days. Surely, I wasn't as self-aware back then, but it's, again, surely something about confronting one's emotions.
The reason I picked the term breakdown instead of being overwhelmed or burnt-out (although they share similarities) is that even if I could defend saying this abnormal emotional state was a result of many deeds clashing with each other in my mind simultaneously, I cannot deny the most negativity I sensed in the mood.
Curtains folded then closed, rambles left together with egos.
I would avoid ranting about college applications here (I mean in this post), but that would be another sort of ingenuity, another attempt at disguising. So be it; I was so disappointed with the last result letters. So disappointed I was - I allowed the flooding, stark, and stagnant air of spring Shanghai to soak my lungs - I only realized I could hardly breathe last Friday after stuffed my daytime with unfinished business from Thursday's concert.
Breathe, don't forget. Too soon to reject
I told myself not to rely on the applications or have unrealistic expectations back then, just like any reasonable applicant (given my stats - if they eventually matter). However, my responsiveness proved that those prep talks were not as effective as I had convinced myself. Indeed, I care much more than I thought. In fact, I care not only about the mere results but also about how I react.
What I desired and despised / Happened upon and abide'.
Trying to be a bit sensible here - the actual results I received weren't as ideal as my ego demands, but they're for sure comparable with what I had and devoted in the process. It seems too condescending if I act unsatisfied with some others' probable dream schools. Still, as I cannot lie to myself about it, I am equally disappointed, upset, and resentful with my unsatisfied mindset and with the pursuit of rankings and other utilitarian/elitist/meritist/etc. standards I claimed to reject.
The late comming bravery is brave enough. Stop roleplaying tough.
Spotted my broken state last Friday afternoon, I tried to generate some dopamine by swinging the tennis racket ruthlessly on a court I stepped on for the first time. It is hard to tell if the scheme worked as my tears dropped down in front of the barbecue grill after the tennis session, which can either be an indication of further breakdown or physical relief. What I can tell is that it was beneficial - whether the case was.
As it came in the form of loss, time to fill a missing slot.
Another reason that I reacted expectedly is probably that the "verdict" came right after a sublime moment - within maybe 6 or 7 hours. The back-to-backness enlarged whatever impact it could bring to me. In this particular case, when the two went in the exact opposite directions, the huge divergence triggered the sense of detachment and disorder. There once was a supplemental essay asking me to describe a time when I felt like standing on top of the world - last Thursday's concert is definitely one of those. And the next morning, I was in the trough, in the nadir. It almost urged me to ask: "I'm so damn good. How dare you say no?"
Ineffable is a myth. Stop blinding and step about an inch.
Despite I had been saying that this concert, as a recurring theme of my high school time, was probably the most important "activity" I could list/write about (and I did place it on the top of my activity list version 1.0), I never really know how to approach this topic - it's significance - within the word count an application essay would allow - or even without that limit. I was about to say it is too complicated and there are too many thoughts intertwined - just like refusing to delve into any other topic. However, if I did write about it - even if those words were incomplete or not complete enough to represent every wave in my head and heart - it would always be better than a plain zero.
Cause staging behind the curtain equals hiding. And so does requiting.
So I will write about it, write about the concert, write about the applications, write about ... Cause it is my right to do so. In fact, I had plenty to say, as always. Being rejected by the most ideal ones is disheartening so much also because I found it would be harder to justify what I gained and realized and now believe. But the truth is - All I am, all I experienced, and all I planned to say are a hundred percent genuine. So I should never feel inadequate to do so - subject to whatever random matters and especially my own inconfidence.
Have to admit It's for sure I'll still be influenced by the results, and they will surely be reflected in my words and expressions. On the other hand, those words will nonetheless suffice. Last Friday night, although incidentally and out of impulse, I conveyed not all but the most-long-dire-to-say words to a person of importance. It was an ending I needed - so I made it; It was also a starting point. On top of so many things that I learned in this process from myself, the person, and the people, getting braver bit by bit is a theme to cling to.
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